It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

My 2 anniversary of my 40th birthday is coming up. I approach this day with such mixed feelings. As a child I loved having a summer birthday. To me it was a national holiday and EVERYONE should have the day off. I didn't work on my birthday, I got to eat what I wanted and the presents kept coming. This has been a hard adjustment for me as an adult. I still think the world should come to a halt on my birthday. I still want to choose whatever I want to eat. I want cake and ice cream without me having to plan it or make it, and I want the perfect present. You know, the one that makes you look at it with wonder and awe and it's such a treasure you just want to hold it and hold it. I want to be happy all day and I want the day never to end. I don't want to have to make meals for anyone else, I don't want to have to do my chores or anyone else's chores. I don't want to hear fighting or whining. I was spoiled as a kid when it came to holidays and birthdays so they are tall orders to live up to now. Last year was the best birthday I have ever had. A couple of my dear friends threw a surprise pool party for me at a local pool/water park and I had nothing to do except change into the swim suit my dear hubby snuck in for me and slide down the slides screaming like a 12 year old.
I don't think there will be that much hoopla this year though. I'm anticipating going yard sailing with my mom and I told my dad that a great birthday present from him would be watching my 2 year old while I went. I'm heading to Applebees for steak in the middle of the day and will partake of my booty after Vespers. Poor Herman though, every birthday is met with, "you'd better give me some money so I can take the kids shopping for your birthday, how much do you want me to spend?" and "don't forget I need some money to shop for you" then I reply, "I don't want junk, so don't waste money on just stuff" and "How come I have to tell you how much to spend for my birthday, why don't I just take the money myself and go shopping" and "now, think about who I am when you are shopping....." Poor guy, how is he ever supposed to live up to my expectations. I know what I want but I want to be surprised and open presents, but I want the presents to be exactly what I was hoping for etc. And the poor kids, do I really need another 2 foot tall vase? or a pen that runs out of ink in a day? My birthday brings out the most selfish ugliest passions in me and I end up being so disappointed, in both my presents and myself. It's not the presents exactly but the end of the festivities. The end of my birthday, the end of me being excited for something, the end of looking forward to the day. Once again the end of my too high of expectations not being met. Talk about getting to know oneself....my birthday is the perfect time to see myself and reflect on my sinfulness. So by Saturday night when I go to bed, I'll have a heavy feeling over me, I'll be sad and melancholy. By Saturday night I will have realized I STILL didn't get the gift I have been wanting my whole adult life and will be left with store bought trinkets that can't measure up to my one desire. Well this year I'm just going to just let it out what I want so there won't be anymore guessing, trying to find the perfect gift, wondering how much money to spend.

The one desire for my birthday, every birthday...

is to be 4 years old again telling everyone today is my birthday and I'm now 5!