Life and Death

Does anyone remember the movie/book Sophies Choice ? It was about a mother who had to make a choice between her two children. She had to choose which child would be executed. I never saw the movie, but knew the plot. I could never bring myself to watch or read it. I had children at the time and I thought often about the choice I would make. Should I let Tansy live, she's older and is so bright, yet Becket is so kind and loving. I agonized over this idea and the movie. This was several years ago.
I now have three children. Tansy 10, Becket 8 and Andrew 2. What would be my choice now? Now the choice wouldn't be who would I choose to live, but who would I let die. As an Orthodox Christian-death is not the end all. It's the icing on the cake. What is it to die? Should God find me worthy enough I will be in Paradise with Him and the beloved Saints I have read about. I will worship him without distractions. I will know pure joy and love without sorrow. I won't experience anxiety and pain and indecision. How could I possibly choose life over death. So for me, my "Sophies Choice" would be a heart wrenching decision as to who would I allow to die an earthly death to join Jesus in Paradise. I no longer fear death, I am jealous of it. If only I knew though,that my motives were pure. If my desire to die was fueled by my great love for God and not because life feels icky at times. I hope that I am not just looking for the easy answer-because give me a little pain and hear me cry like a big ole baby. My 8 year old is afraid of dying, because it might hurt he says. I want my children to embrace death and see it as the goal of our life and not the end. Will I cry though when someone I love dies? I will for various reasons. My children dying will bring me a sweet sadness. My husband dying would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. My priest dying would produce a strong sense of panic. And still with others I love I would feel an injustice. How could I feel all these different emotions for the same cause-death. I would be a much better mother in Heaven then here on Earth, my children would be exactly in the most perfect place for them, my husband would be a great intercessor for me though I would feel left alone to face the world. My priest is my spiritual father and I would feel lost without him. So here is the struggle. Do I trust God enough to allow death to touch me, or will I fight for control of life when the time comes. I have told Herman in the past that should I develop cancer some day I will not opt for treatment, but if he were to develop cancer he better believe that he's getting treatment so he can stay here with me. He didn't think this was too fair of a deal. So goes the struggle to let go of the control and to fully trust in God and His mercy. Should I live a long life I will have had more time to repent, should I die young, then may it be blessed.