The Perfect madness

"Manic cookie-baking at midnight. Play dates as complicated as peace summits. Mother-of-the-birthday-boy meltdowns. Ambien nights and Ritalin days. No sex. No nights out. No sleep. Ever. What's wrong with this picture? That's the question Judith Warner asked herself after taking a good, hard look at the world of modern motherhood, at anxious women at work and at home and in bed with unhappy husbands. Warner, a writer and journalist, returned to the United States after living a becoming a mother abroad and was shocked to find the mothers she met here living lives of quiet desperation. Mothers working outside the home were cruelly burdened with double-duty workdays and nights punctuated by anxiety and guilt; stay-at-home moms often seemed overwhelmed and depressed." -The Perfect Madness

I was at a local bookstore the other day and a book caught my eye. It was called, The perfect madness, mothering in an age of anxiety, By Judith Warner. I imagine you know why this title would catch my eye. 1. I am a mom, 2. I have anxiety and 3. I am mad (sometimes)
I am almost finished with the book but I have to write about it now. The author has taken a look at our society since the 50's up until now and has interviewed thousands of moms on the topic of being a mom. There is so much in this book, my thoughts may seem scattered as I fritter to and fro. She starts out by sharing the results of interviews with moms. Mostly upper middle class. Ok ok, gotta back up. The author lived in France for several years as a mom. In France there is government assistance for nannies, day care, schooling, doctors etc. There are also various grants to help out families. She stated that a mom is never "alone" in her parenting. There are numerous resources for the mom to be a healthy, complete, balanced and happy mom. Once she returned to the states she was amazed at the anxiety level of mothers who work outside the home as well as stay at home moms. She realized that our society has made it near impossible to be a parent without an enormous amount of pressure. Pressure to teach your child to read before kindergarten, to search for the best educational toys, to spend quality time with your child as well as quanity time, to assume that it is your responsibility to have your kids in various activities that require driving to and from, to take your child to the "experts" if your child is appearing a bit slow, to pursue the best education regardless of cost and the list goes on and on. Moms talked about how they are up at dawn, getting their kids ready for school, getting their own excerise in, finding forgotten homework assignments, putting together last minute projects all before the day really starts. The topic of the lack of government support there is for families comes up. The rise in medication for kids that aren't able to sit very long in class for their teachers, the rise in medication for moms to just get through the day is talked about. The fact that in large cities a one income family means the father is working 60+ hours a week and ends still aren't being met is a common thread. Moms often feel like they are failures in some capacity if their children don't have the right blend of social activities and friends. If she doesn't use the 0-3 years of age to fill her baby with as much learning material as possible she has set him up for a life time of struggles. If she turns on the TV for any amount of time she has filled her daughter with dangerous body image problems. Warner touches on everything from eating disorders to food allergies, from private school to home schooling. She doesn't exactly offer an opinion, she more presents these truths. As I said I haven't read the last chapter yet and am secretly hoping she will offer the cure all for it, but I doubt I'll find that in the last pages. What this book has done is opened my eyes! I remember having to find every piece of Jimmy Neutron party ware for Beckets 4 year birthday, I gave in to getting Tansy LOTS of Groovy Girl stuff to play with, I taught her how to write her name before she was 2 and a half, I had them in rock climbing class at 4 years of age, swimming lessons by 6 months, soccer, t-ball, karate, library story hour every week, toddler class for socialization, kindermusic and the list goes on and on. I set up such high standards for myself as the mom, if I didn't take advantage of those times to play music to open the math part of their brains, or to read to them while still in the womb I was guilty of not giving them a good start in life. How many moms are truly living a life without any anxiety or exhaustion or just plain apathy. Our society has turned into a society that accepts the sacrificial mom as a norm. And if you are not putting your children first in EVERYTHING then you aren't not really a nurturing parent. Ok, so here's where I'm changing my views of my own momminess. If Becket doesn't love reading as much as his parents do and struggles with it, he's not going to end up robbing liquor stores. If Tansy watches television she isn't going to become an anorexic model. If Andrew continues to throw major tantrums in the store I am NOT going to die there on the spot and melt into nothingness. If I only homeschool 2 hours one day and 1 the next, the school district will not come and arrest me. We only own 1 car, and a small one at that. It doesn't have a DVD player in it. Herman gets off work at 2 in the afternoon. I will ignore the kids for an hour or two to read a good book. I will allow Andrew to cry in his crib until his two hours of nap time are over. I will take a bubble bath at 6 pm while the kids are playing in the living room if I need to. And in the summer I will lay on my hammock telling the kids they aren't allowed to talk to me till my alone time is done. I will pretend I live in France and will follow their idea that if a mom isn't happy, then her kids won't be happy either. It's not about me becoming a selfish mom, it's about me protecting my family from a society that has dictated far too long that in order to produce productive functioning children the parents need to die a slow emotional death.

"Perfect Madness offers a rich and provocative history of contemporary American culture. It thoroughly examines why mothers who appear to have everything are feeling exhausted and dissatisfied and powerless. It explores how the current generation of moms became a generation of control freaks convinced they must handle everything alone......Warner provides a context in which to understand the way we live now and to imagine an alternative way of life. She argues that all of us-men, women, society at large--need to demand more support for our families: from our government, from our workplaces, and from one another."