"Can you pass me a napkin please?"

"Depression is a tough thing to deal with; I have dealt with my fair share as I am sure almost everyone has who has existed on this earth. The important thing to remember is that God allows all things to help us work out our salvation. He is not the author of evil, but allows us to endure trials to help us struggle a little. This has different results for each person since everyone deals with different passions. But the God who made you and fashioned you in your mother's womb knew you would come to this point. God is with us! You struggle through the tough times, Gods grace comes to comfort and fortify you and then another struggle comes. That is that way and how it has been for over 2,000 years. That is why the Orthodox Church is called the hospital for the soul.-Matthew"

This was a comment on another blog of mine. I don't know if he knew I had been struggling or not. He actually commented after a "discussion on death" posting. (not a morbid discussion)
But I have been struggling, hard. I've been fighting some potent anxiety with a cup of depression poured in. There are noantecedentss though, nothing physical to set me off. But something is amiss in me. I'm not onantidepressantss so I fight my battles with natural and spiritual weapons. I find that I grab onto God tighter during these moments. I have to confess I don't feel Him though, but nontheless I still hold tight to Him. I rest my head on His icon as if I'm resting on His shoulder. I gaze into His eyes looking for a ray of hope. I pray with tears streaming down knowing He's hearing but wishing He would physically wipe them away. I read beautiful stories about Him and about His saints. I feel encouraged by their words and instruction.
But still even a good piece of steak can have some tough parts, some disgusting fat that you accidently bite, but are tooembarrassedd to spit back out onto your plate. So you smile and chew and chew and chew till you can discretely push the mess out of your mouth into your napkin without anyone noticing. So here I sit. I've been chewing for two weeks now and my jaws hurt so here you have it. A big fat piece of chewed up fatty grizzle that I'm spitting out right in front of you.
I am sad. I don't know why, but I am just sad. I am afraid, of what? I haven't a clue. My chest hurts and I'm told to stop eating before bed it's heartburn. I don't wanna. I like eating in bed late at night. It's not heartburn it's stress! I'm told to put the kids in public school, it's too hard on me. Nope, not even worth a discussion there. I'm tired, I'm fatigued, I'm pooped, but the dishes still have to get done and the livingroom picked up. The sun isn't out very much anymore and it's cold out. I've brought my lawn lounge inside though and placed it right in front of our big front windows. Herman is embarrassed. I lay on it with my big fleece blanket facing out. I imagine I'm on a beach and it's just overcast. Who am I kidding, it doesn't really work. I have to remember that this season has to come. It can't be Spring without Winter or Fall. This is a season of things dying back, going dormant. If I don't shut down for spiritual pruning I'll have worthless growth. So this is my season and it sucks and I just want to scream "BITE ME!"
big sigh
Excuse me now while I place my napkin tactfully back onto my lap and continue my meal with grace. Forgive my rude behavior.

"............. The important thing to remember is that God allows all things to help us work out our salvation. He is not the author of evil, but allows us to endure trials to help us struggle a little. This has different results for each person since everyone deals with different passions. But the God who made you and fashioned you in your mother's womb knew you would come to this point. God is with us! You struggle through the tough times, Gods grace comes to comfort and fortify you and then another struggle comes. That is that way and how it has been for over 2,000 years. That is why the Orthodox Church is called the hospital for the soul."